Are you a terrorist? If you don't
know, you'd better find out fast. Because Uncle Sam's made a
list and he's checking it twice -- "40 to 50
countries" targeted for possible "U.S. action,"
according to America's securely-located vice president, Dick
"Chicken Hawk" Cheney. As the man says, a hard rain's
a-gonna fall.
So
here's a simple test to check your moral worthiness and see if
you can escape God's -- sorry, Bush's -- all-devouring wrath.
Have you ever gone out for a beer and bought a Stella Artois
instead of a Bud? Then you, my friend, have engaged in a
conspiracy to cause "adverse effects" to the economy
of the United States. And that makes you one of the evildoers.
So
says the great Oval Object in his latest executive order, in
which he grants himself the power to have anyone he designates
as a terrorist to be tried by secret military tribunals and
executed without appeal. Bush's dread edict -- which of course
takes effect without any input from that useless appendage of a
bygone era, the U.S. Congress -- covers anyone who "causes,
threatens to cause" or even "has as their aim" to
cause "adverse effects" on, among other things, the
American economy or U.S. foreign policy.
As
always, Bush alone retains the right to decide who is and who is
not a terrorist, just as he alone decides what constitutes an
"adverse effect" on the United States. Could be a
bomb, a boycott, a protest, a tariff -- or the wrong beer: it's
his call.
The edict
gives him the power to seize any non-U.S. citizen, in any
country on earth, and to subject him or her to secret summary
justice. There is no outside check or oversight of this exercise
of universal dominion, and no legal recourse for the accused --
not even to the laws of their own country.
Never
has a single person in the history of the world laid claim to
such absolute power -- and commanded the military might to
back it up. For we should also note that Bush now has the
authority to launch attacks against any nation he chooses, at
his own discretion, without a vote by Congress or that other
withered appendage, the United Nations.
And
if you don't like it, pal, you can tell it to the judge. The
military judge. Just before he puts a bullet in your brain.
But
what about malcontents in what Bush now calls "the
Homeland?" Hey, we got it covered. The U.S. government
now has the power to prosecute any public expression of
dissent as an act of "domestic terrorism," thanks to
the super-duper new "U.S.A. Patriot" Act passed, in
the dead of night, by Congress late last month -- a law which
most of the dangling legislative appendages freely admit they
never read before the vote.
Under
the new law, you are a "domestic terrorist," subject
to 25 years in prison, if you engage in acts intended to
"influence the policy of government by intimidation or
coercion." Which is, of course, the very definition of
public protest: the attempt to force policy changes on
reluctant governments through an unsettling display of popular
will.
In
this case, the Imperial Executive has delegated power to his
most faithful minion: Attorney General John Ashcroft. It is
Ashcroft -- the only senator in U.S. history to be rejected by
voters in favor of a dead man -- who will now define the
limits of freedom in America.
And
Ashcroft -- a prissy religious crank like his boss -- has gone
about his task with Christian zeal. (After all, your true
believers know there is a higher law than that secular
humanist rag, the constitution.) For example, just last week,
Ashcroft stripped prisoners of the ancient right to confer
with legal counsel in private, conferring upon himself the
power to monitor any such conversation whenever he sees fit.
This
also applies to people being held without any charge at all --
and there are hundreds, perhaps thousands, in that category
now. We don't know the exact number, because Ashcroft no
longer tells anyone -- including the Appendages -- how many
people he's holding, or why he's holding them, or who they
are, or where they might be, or what he's going to do with
them. But not to worry; he's taking good care of his nameless
captives. Why, only one has died in custody so far. At least
that we know about.
Because
Ashcroft's not telling.
The
terrorist attacks on American liberty are coming so fast these
days you can't keep track of them all, and so your inundated
Eye is reduced to making mere lists of a few recent
developments:
Bush
insiders begin pushing the idea of using regular Army troops
to "keep order" among the general populace -- the
kind of thing that once drove terrorist leaders like George
Washington and Patrick Henry to violent rebellion.
A
rightwing group founded by the vice president's wife, Lynn
Cheney, issues a list of dozens of academics it considers
"short on patriotism" for making critical comments
about American policy. The group plans more "naming and
shaming" of individuals who are "out of step"
with the "Homeland."
Ashcroft
orders the interrogation of an additional 5,000 young Arab men
who entered the country legally during the past two years.
With a straight face, Ashcroft denies singling out anyone on
the basis of race, creed, or national origin.
And
finally, some good news: Billy Bush, radio DJ and the
president's first cousin, finds work after being canned by a
small Virginia radio station for low ratings. He's been hired
by CNN.
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